Introduction

In 2015, at the young age of 21, I accidentally fell in love with homemade nut butter and decided to set up a business. On a mission to boost your mood and energy without the sugar crash. In May 2020, during the global pandemic of Covid-19, for the first time I admitted to my family and friends that I have been living with an eating disorder for over eight years.

As well as sharing my own experience of setting up and running a business - from initial concept to product development and launch - not to mention the resilience, persistence, patience (and frustrations) - I want to shed light on what it is really like to live with an eating disorder; nobody knows how we live, as cliché as that sounds.

For too long I was in denial, ashamed and embarrassed by my thoughts and too afraid of judgement to open up. I still am. Diet culture took away my right to speak freely as soon as ‘healthy’ habits, including restrictive behaviour and compulsive exercise, became ‘normal’, desirable, even; it is too big of an industry to ignore and yet nobody likes to talk about it. Speaking from experience, I can just as easily live with an eating disorder as I can pretend it is never happening. Trapped by the very toxic traits we are all exposed to on a daily basis.

I am only a few months into eating disorder recovery and have not got off the entrepreneurial ride. Although my passion for nut butter is unfaltering - I am my number one customer, still - this book is not ‘how I made it’. This is my work in progress. Behind the scenes and screens of two full-time jobs, ending unknown. Not necessarily aimed at someone who is affected, I want those who are not to understand; the overthinking and loneliness, comparing and beating myself up for not being where I ‘should’ be at this stage (or age), and quick to criticise my body when I fail to see results. As my only employee, partner, boss (and after-work drink buddy), candidly, my brand may cease to exist in six months’ time and it may take me several more years to fully overcome mental health issues. (Whoops, spoiler alert). Because running a business is far more challenging and emotionally abusive than I ever expected, and I am no expert; trying to rewire my brain away from eating disorder thoughts is probably the hardest thing I will ever do. It is also my greatest accomplishment to date. A doorway for some, myself included, to live like we have never lived before.