Nobody can prepare you for the grief that comes with an eating disorder.

Doubt that sits heaviest in my stomach is whether or not I am right to carry on.

As well as not speaking for hours at a time, one of my symptoms of loneliness is doubt, understandably.

I have a lot of emotion in me at the moment, a lump in my throat like I could cry. Today was no exception.

In 2015, I went all in. Not a 9-5 job, not a hobby; it is all fun and games until someone loses their mind.

“Can I offer just one bit of advice? Actually no, I won’t. They have a way of making one feel inadequate."

With 30 years of diet culture under my belt, a measly five of which I have spent trying to undo it, I expect to slip up.

Recovering from an eating disorder is probably the hardest thing I will ever do.

If I am being really honest - I was hopeful that anyone I mentioned my eating disorder to would meet me at my level.

Taking myself to therapy in 2019 was step one, waving my white flag. Admitting to my eating disorder in 2020 was my surrender.

When lockdown was announced in March 2020, without sounding insensitive, I felt relieved; life, finally, would fall into place.

In January 2020 I had a missed call and voicemail from an unknown number: Dragons’ Den were inviting me to audition for series 18.

When I first sought help for anorexia in 2012, my priority was surface level; in 2019, I was out of my depth and needed help.

Living with an eating disorder is a 247 job, that I never applied for. Both a comfort I take pride in and a coping mechanism I curse myself for.

Notes unedited or changed taken from a journal I used between 2018 and 2019.

Almost overnight, running a business suddenly felt hard. The first time I saw through the excitement and thought, f**k.

July 2018, in the run up to an event hosted by my distributor, weeks before, even, every bone in my body was telling me not to go.

Being an ‘entrepreneur’ is a strange concept; creating something from scratch. I thought it was going to be easy.

For over two years I made nut butter at home - officially moving manufacturing out of my kitchen - I felt like a new woman!

Admittedly, since my last market in 2020, following on from lockdown closures, I am torn between missing them and feeling relieved.