Doubt - Part Two

Doubt that sits heaviest in my stomach is whether or not I am right to carry on. My heart says I am not ready to stop. My experience tells me otherwise. Everyone is going up in the world and I am staying still. Nine years is a long time to come to the conclusion that I could keep going for another nine years and remain in the same position. That scares me. The idea of starting over - that terrifies me. More daunting if anything. I know I would live with profound jealousy and regret if I saw someone else launch a brand similar to NB. I would never be able to walk through Whole Foods without sauntering down the nut butter aisle and feeling sad if I saw an up-and-coming young-and-trendy fresh-faced product on the shelf, taking up my space. Although NB was nameless ten years ago - it can be nameless again - not nothing lost but a lot more gained - imagining a future without NB hurts. Nine years of grafting only to end up dormant on social media and forgotten about, one of those brands you randomly think about (most probably whilst eating almond butter on toast and thinking, this could be better) and search out of curiosity to see if they are still around. I would never forget. My own version of leaving a legacy would be the undying feeling of failure to carry NB over the finish line; I would leave no permanent mark on the world, it would be like NB never existed.

I rarely talk to anyone about the future of NB. Not only is it a sensitive topic for me but also perceptions can be misconstrued; how can I complain when generally speaking I love what I do, I am excited about making a difference, and I am fortunate enough to be my own boss? (Or as my friend likes to think, I can sleep in until midday and do whatever I want!). The thing I keep going back to is, nobody knows what it is like. There is no single, crushing moment of realisation when your product does not take off as anticipated. There are only a thousand disappointing rejection emails stacked on top of potential leads that give you hope and painstakingly slowly lead nowhere. It is incredibly frustrating to not get the response I want or come to expect. I am so wound up I do not have a great career from NB. To love a brand so fiercely - my duty is to keep going but often I wonder whether I should throw in the towel, too. Over the years I have seen multiple founders step down; there is a reason more people do not make it in business than those who do. It does not surprise me. Would I be happier for it, relieved, even, by the prospect? Passion clouds my judgement. Either that or I am naive to hold on to the entrepreneurial dream, what NB should be, perhaps could become, still. I admire other founders and their bravery. They did not give up or fail - they gave themselves the benefit of the doubt and valued themselves more than any business can. Freeing themselves from the stress and dishearten that comes with it; no business thinks about the human being behind it. You can work your butt off doing the imaginable and unimaginable, show up when nobody else does, and still not get what you want nor deserve in return for your efforts. I on the other hand watch from the sidelines in awe, not ready to fold my cards yet. Still thinking of ways to go outside the box when all I really want to do is sit very comfortably inside its set boundaries and know that that is all that is asked and required of me. 

So I rarely bring it up because there is nothing to discuss. Close friends and family have seen NB’s detriment to my health, my highs, my lows, they would be biased and tell me to stop (and get a ‘real’ job), surely. It is my choice to keep going, and I would be defensive if they did. Also quite unfair of me to take them on this journey - to stop or not to stop - for over six years and still not make a decision. However attractive the prospect of a stable, secure job with clearly defined hours and a to-do list is - being told what to do and someone paying me for it! Stopping is not up for negotiation. Deep down I know I probably never will. For me setting up a business was never only about the money. I wanted NB to be in more hands than my own. Obviously eventually I wanted to earn enough money that I could work on NB full time and comfortably without having to get a ‘real job’. And not because I am too proud to work for someone else; to be honest, I never thought I would have to get another job, or face a career change, or consider giving up NB for good. I thought it was my destiny; when I think about why NB exists - the first and only one of its kind - leading the way with no added sugar food products - the impact it could have on other people! I think it still could be.