September 27th 2022

I have a lot of emotion in me at the moment, a lump in my throat like I could cry. Today was no exception. I visited my sister and asked if I could voice my thoughts; everything feels like a full time job - business, writing, recovery, love life, what next? She asked if I needed tissues. Nah, I am fine, thanks. (Famous last words).

I started with NB. My passion is unfaltering, I believe in the company’s values and mission, I can envision its future success. Product transparency ahead of the anti-sugar movement, boosting your mood and energy without the sugar crash. I love it! I can see it, feel it, still.

She asked me what parts of NB I like. The customers, obviously the product itself, talking about why NB exists - more than just another nut butter in our category. Less business development and sales, trying to prove myself, I loathe the hustle. She stopped me in my tracks, but what if to customers it is just another nut butter?

Good point. The idea derives from me, it is hard to detach my feelings and personal affection. Naturally I step into pitch-mode and rebuttal: You buy NB because there are no other flavoured nut butters out there like it, and without any added sugar or sweeteners. Fair enough.

Continuing on my trail of thoughts, I also love writing - not only to therapise myself but as a hobby. {Are these not two full time jobs though, business by day and writing by night?}. I am protective, stubborn in my response. I would be more unhappy if I was told to stop. I could just as easily spend an evening watching TV as I could write a blog post. Except if I were to make this my full-time job, there is a strong chance I would not be paid for it (been there done that). And right now, I feel like this needs to be my priority. For my mental health, or what little of it is left, something needs to change. So do I get a job in a café, or do I apply for a more formal internship or permanent job? I could go into marketing, or presenting, I loved that at Uni, although starting from scratch makes me feel sick. Or do I reach out to magazines and pitch my articles? But then as a freelancer I am choosing to continue working alone. Maybe I will go back to personal training, which I liked, or do I work in a book shop. Good networking, but maybe not stimulating enough?

My sister is frazzled, too much, slow down! (Imagine being inside my head). Then she popped the million-dollar question, the question that nobody asks: If I had to pick between business and writing, right now, I can only do one, what would it be?

That is when I broke down. If I had to do one thing, right now at this moment in time, I would write. More fulfilling and, quite frankly, easier than the overwhelm of trying to run NB by myself. I cried. She cried. (My one month old nephew cried). I really do not want to stop but my capabilities are limited, mentally I am ready to go; maybe this is where I am supposed to get to. Because unless I pay more to pursue more - I could seek investment to hire a team (but can I really be bothered?) - I have to draw a line somewhere. Other than feeling emotionally cleansed, I feel no relief in saying this out loud. It feels more like I am giving in to failure, letting both NB and myself down.

My sister hated that, said I have achieved so much, worked consistently for five (seven) years without any break, really. I interject. How can I justify taking a break when I have nothing to show for it, no financial or tangible proof to earn me the right to take one? I do not deserve to take a break, I definitely cannot afford to. If anything I need to feel some sense of accomplishment now more than ever before. 

To which my sister responded, very simply, you have got NB into the hands of thousands of customers. Success is not defined by money - not having a salary does not mean you have not done enough. You have not failed!

I wanted to agree, I tried to agree - but when you spend a consistent amount of time trying to make something happen - if input equals output - when it does not work out or go to plan, I cannot help but wonder, why not me? What did I do wrong? I was so convinced NB would be available everywhere by now - Whole Foods, Holland & Barrett, Waitrose - and it is not. I am responsible for that; my own success, NB’s growth and expansion, its performance - or lack of - is a reflection of my personal failure to execute. And let’s admit it, without success, I am not enough; without a salary, I do not know how else I can be loved.

I cried and looked away when I said this.