What Next?

Notes From the Author - February 2024

In March 2023, I packed up my things in London and moved back home to my parents. I needed a change. Of scenery, inspiration, London is so big and yet I felt so lonely. Change had to happen, to be honest. I felt stuck in a monotonous loop of time passing by and me doing the same thing day in day out - happy, but not really excited by any of it. Doing what I had to do if I wanted NB to survive (and thrive) - and I knew no other. The hard truth is, NB is not where I thought it would be, neither providing the life I want nor see for myself, and I was bored of feeling like this. Nine years is a long time to be working on something and not feel fulfilled as I thought I would; feeling uncomfortable in something I thought was going to be so right; the word ‘still’ scares me. Pressure to live up to what is expected of me sits heavy on my shoulders. And that is not to say NB is not going to happen. I have a vision of the nut butter category that does not exist yet - I am blindly optimistic, positive, always, but the execution of any idea is harder than the dreams I can make myself believe.

I hated the first month of being at home, I missed my life in London, for a while waking up with no purpose anymore shook me; I felt lost and detached. Swearing to put this time to use and write my book, then I got a job at Pure Gym. People make a world of difference. Plus routine, structure, being paid for what I do! 2023 turned out to be one of my best years to date. Leaving London loosened my chains, not to sound crude. It forced me to expand my perspective and freed me of the fears I inherited and projected in my head. I left some of my demons behind, too. No one can create a life around rules - there to guide the brave and inhibit the foolish; people make mistakes; rules exist to be broken except they punish you when you do.

In hindsight, I think I was less than happy over the last couple of years than I thought I was at the time. In comparison to how I feel today, I am so appreciative of the renewed energy. For trying something new and making it work, realising that nothing is permanent - I can do what I want! Even when I slip up in eating disorder recovery - and I have done, once, twice, over a dozen times, really - I have broken down more barriers because of it. Dated, even, more, in the last year than ever before in my life. The confidence gained and the worry I have lost. I took a chance and am thankful that I did. Living for right now - and not a future me I have catastrophised in my head; this is where I am supposed to be. Turning 30 whilst single and living at home, and with no real end in sight for either, surprisingly failed to phase me. If anything it affected my manager more, who felt the need to ask me how I felt about it, “because I would not be ok” (the audacity).