Pride - Part Two

Regret is a natural human emotion, apparently (for me, definitely, regrettably); for my own personal legacy I want to ensure the ones I do end up with are ones I can live with. Memories I look back on with pride, and not that I wish played out differently. (Already far too many of them in my back pocket; already I would prefer to not have to look at some old photos of me ever again). And not to sound morbid, again, what little time is left - I do not fear death - I fear not living! Giving it a good crack; hard as it is, I do not want to waste (anymore of) mine sweating the insignificant stuff. Worrying when I have no reason to (including the huge inner dialogue I am having about the smashed avo toast I just ate). Hung up on the pizza I did not order on holiday, or working out purely because I think my arms look chubby - often craving the sensation of a deadlift merely to solidify my (what feel like ‘soft’) legs.

Regret is also unpredictable. Whereas an eating disorder makes me regret more of what I do than what I do not do (although more recently, I realise the further into recovery I get, the things I miss out on in a freak moment of panic tend to become a cause for regret, too). In business, regret is almost one of the same: regret what I do, regret what I do not. NB’s capacity for success has no limits; I know I feel like a failure because I failed to create the global brand I envisioned. That feeling is hard to shake. When a hobby becomes a job, my big ‘aha’ moment of eating homemade nut butter and wanting to feel this happy for the rest of my life (ambitious) becomes obsessive thinking and shouldn’t’s and have-to’s and what-if’s; a canvas of profit and loss, cash-flow (positive, ideally), marketing budgets and KPIs, schedules and algorithms, and professional jealousies (or crushes). Doing what it seems I should be doing for the sake of looking like the other legit brands I admire and want to be like.

As I am sure with any job, news worth celebrating does not come everyday; the pride I feel for NB is more fleeting, perhaps underwhelming for the journey it has taken me on. I get the biggest rush from external responses. Magazines or newspapers featuring one of my products; customers leaving a positive review - signing up to a monthly subscription! Or when someone spots NB being sold in their local shop. The fact anything to do with NB is because of me - it does not feel like that, in fact I feel very separate from the accolade it receives. Not being modest, I see NB as its own entity, mutually exclusive from my personal involvement. I am just glad to see my baby grow! I am proud of its progress, making its way in the world, helping to spread our mission. Occasionally I feel empowered after an important meeting; presenting a deck for investment or pitching NB to a buyer; working on something long and grueling (and way overdue), I feel like a boss for getting it done. Like when did I learn how to run online ad campaigns and set up website automations? I am not trained in this. It feels fraudulent, me, sharing NB's annual sales growth and statistics on the nut butter industry - proving demand for a product like mine. I feel like I am winging it, still. Only on reflection am I like, woah, did I really host and stream a live Instagram interview with my idol business founder who then invited me to go on a tour of their factory (and who I fan-girled for the entire day)? (Wtf). Launching the new (current) packaging in 2021 features in my top three business highlights. Still to date I could not ask for a better first impression and visual depiction of the brand - I catch myself looking at a jar and I feel tremendously proud; receiving two Great Taste Awards that same year was a happy dance moment, I wanted to burst with pride. Drawing attention to the people I may never see or know but who buy NB regularly. That is the closest I get to a pinch-me moment. My heart feels full. The very reason I started this enterprise - being able to share my passion with others - is happening right in front of my eyes. That buzz reminds me of why I got into business in the first place. Worth it if only for the NB fans (and not just speaking for myself).

Pride reminds me of why I keep doing this; the pressure I feel to open up the world I shrunk so small I class as a privilege - almost as though I walk towards it. In both business and eating disorder recovery it prevents me from getting comfortable. It makes my life harder, naturally - I am hyper-aware of my actions, restless, resistant to monotony and staying still; I am conscious of where I have come from (and have no desire to go back to); I have an overactive brain and tendency to analyse what I can be doing better. But also I admire my courage, I am proud of my determination, I feel strong! Throwing myself into social situations and creating new connections as a result. My resilience for backing a company I wholeheartedly believe in - and not letting go - I am proud to stand behind it. Just as much as I feel proud about backing myself. Five years after starting therapy, three years after taking on the responsibility myself, celebrating discreetly is how I override the down days. Almost forcing myself in quiet moments to feel grateful for something everyday. Realising I am no longer heavy-headed, anxious about eating out, going out when I do not want to but committed to, ordering what I want and if it is not perfect - it is one meal, you will have another better one another day. Or having a 1/10 slither of a slice of cake I bought to both satisfy my craving but also the eating disorder; I slipped up, fine; I could go to the gym to burn it off but also I could not - be nice. Or doing the brave thing and ordering a takeaway pizza after putting myself off, knowing I would stop thinking about pizza if I just had the bloody thing - scrolling through my favourite accounts on Instagram until (two months later) I did it! And I am ok!

Being more relaxed probably makes me a nicer person to be around than when I acquired the personality traits of an eating disorder, being at its beck and call and being so tightly wound around food and body image. Although I cannot take all the credit. Other people inspire me daily, their care-free attitude spurs me on to be like them; if they do not care (about what I am suffering with), nor should I! Seeing the beauty in them makes me feel like someone could one day see the same in me. And if I have got this far - if I like who I am now - how much further can I go? And if I feel this proud, calm and content on some level, every day, I wrestle with the idea of what I could become. Not to sound cocky, little steps add up, they encourage me forward. Try something new once and it becomes more habitual. Like when someone tells me they took a break from their gym routine and now have not been in a few months - what they hear as a bad thing, I have to stop my mouth from gaping in astonishment. Or I hear someone ask their friend if they want a chocolate chip cookie alongside their coffee - so spontaneously - and they say yes - so casually! That is who I want to be.