Notes From my iPhone

ED - Eating Disorder

NB - NB

DC - Diet Culture

Date unspecified, 2020 - 2022

If I shrink myself my insecurities won’t be seen.

“I'd like to be my old self again

But I'm still trying to find it”.

- Taylor Swift

The first six months of University are the most carefree I’ve ever been. When I lost my spark in 2012, I remember crying to my friend in my bedroom, wishing, longing to be my old self again, how I used to be.

08/02/22

“I would rather the uncertainty than the certain misery of a current situation.” Steven Bartlett 

08/03/22

I think I have lived my whole life scared. Afraid of doing the wrong thing, making bad decisions, being told off. Afraid others would see me as flawed, a fraud for not being successful; with no salary, stable job - without a subjectively ‘good’ body I’m scared I literally have nothing to offer.

01/04/22

None of my family or friends could imagine what I was going through. People think you’re free because they have no reason to speculate the contrary.

02/04/22

You accept the love you think you deserve, I gave myself none; I chose NB over my own wellbeing. I made myself smaller so that NB wouldn’t feel so small.

15/05/22

“For those of us who wear a comfy coat the entire time, you’ll stay warm but wearing a comfy coat doesn’t really help you spread your wings.” Bradley Walsh, Desert Island Discs, May 2022.

27/05/22

It’s in the past

I tried

Small steps

I can always try again!!!

Do it again, knowingly

Never a waste

A learning

Move forward not backwards

Live presently not in the past

Overthinking only makes me unhappy

28/05/22

“It’s hard to forget pain but harder to remember happiness - because we don’t have scars for happiness.” Chuck Palahniuk

20/06/22

Is anxiety a symptom of our lives?

06/08/22

Often I wonder whether I would set up NB again in 2015 if I knew what I know now (probably not?). As my 30s approach, did I waste my 20s on an ambitious goal and dream that hasn’t paid off? Right now I’m close to quitting, but I see NB’s success over it no longer existing; I don’t know if NB’s the right thing to continue doing, but I want to.

17/08/22

A lot of people knock therapy probably because it’s the single most terrifying thing you can do. Easier to lock up behaviour than face it. Unhappiness, regret, worry of living too long like this; craving what other people have literally got me to the door.

ED worked on me because I’m used to being boxed into expectations, told what to do, how I should appear. Expectations are set and I need to live by them. I didn’t rebel, I conformed. Hopeless without them; you do what you can to refrain from being in the line of fire; so many parts of me never felt whole.

26/10/22

Waking up with a sense of nothingness, it makes me want to hurt myself for achieving nothing.

ED is no light topic. If I told someone new on a date, in an interview - not that I would - I would feel marked, a chip on my shoulder, do they want to deal with this problem person? Maybe not, probably not. Little white lies protect me from being caught.

27/10/22

There’s freedom from losing an ED and there’s freedom that comes with an ED - it no longer dictates or controls me, but it has the power to free me from the anxiety and overwhelm that feels like my whole world is falling apart.

Funny how people think they’ll be happy just because they get skinny.

13/11/22

I’ve not been able to bring myself to do what I would tell other people to do because I’m scared. Scared of being disproved of, rejected, criticised, unwanted.

I consciously have to choose happiness, I don’t have the luxury of doing it automatically. The negatives always come first.

14/11/22

The psychological challenges I’m trying to overcome in recovery are different to the challenges I faced with an ED. Diet culture was my leader, I didn’t see me beyond it, I existed for it. My sentence was life until I decided to break free.

When people take their own lives due to MH/ EDs, it scares me how quick life moves on, nothing changes our behaviour/ attitude towards either. That could’ve been me.

02/01/23

NB makes me feel not good enough because in truth I’m not - I never studied business, I’m out of my depth, totally inexperienced. And if I don’t think I’m good enough, how can I believe someone else will?

Sometimes I just want to switch off and go back without saving.

16/01/23

“Why are you sorry I’m dead when you’re still so afraid to live?”.

ED recovery in DC is like celebrating your promotion to a colleague who’s been sacked. Having a drink in front of a recovering alcoholic. Proclaiming you’re in love to a friend who’s been dumped, or showing off your engagement to someone going through a divorce. Often I’m complimented for how I look - and that feeling of fire inside me… Weight gain is not praised nor desirable.

24/01/23

The longer I work on ED/ NB the harder it is to break away. I’ve convinced myself there’s a successful ending, that this time and effort will pay off - shops will eventually stock NB, Waitrose will say yes. But what if they don’t? 

17/02/23

I was expecting NB to be easy. I’m not obsessed with the idea of building a business, I’m obsessed with the business I’m building. How could people not buy into my vision, what I saw and tasted and felt and experienced (and why do we have to have sugar pushed on us all the time?). It felt more unlikely that NB wouldn’t take off.

03/03/23

I chose to go straight to office because of PC and uncertainty of lunch with him, didn’t want breakfast knowing I might be eating a couple of hours later or be awkward if just got tea. Was a slip up, back to normal brek tomorrow, I’m ok, body forgives me, not messed up organs as as result of, one day. Fortunately had a snack so wasn’t empty and ate as soon as lunch was cancelled. Don’t be disappointed, learn to not do again - prioritise me. Equally don’t be sad about PC, you know what you’re like, you will text him on Monday to reschedule lunch/ meet. You’re ok, if it doesn’t work out, still ok. Not meant to be.

05/03/23

“You can’t hate yourself into someone else loving you.” Munroe Berg

Still a daily effort to like myself, not pick myself apart, not look at myself and criticise change. Still working against myself, never known a full day where I don't think about food/ exercise in a ‘what’s best for my appearance way’ - not, ‘what do I want to do today’.

25/07/23

When people say 'NB must be pretty successful to still be doing it’ - what I don’t want to admit, what I’m too embarrassed to say, is NB doesn’t make enough to pay me. The idea of saying that out loud makes me feel sick. Would it change their opinion of me/ would they judge me for the position I’m in?

Think the worst part is how aware people are of EDs but so unaccepting of their own (debatable and probably denied) disordered food thoughts/ habits. Living a ‘healthy’ life indirectly disguises the problem, often it’s just as restrictive. They have no shame drinking coffee for breakfast, referring aloofly to intermittent fasting, skipping a meal to save themself for dinner (an Atheist giving up chocolate for Lent…). Obviously I do the same, of course, but in private, please! Have some sensitivity! Why would you want to expose or encourage this kind of behaviour to the people around you? (And when are we going to stop pretending and label it for what it is?). Kudos for the confidence - the shame I feel for being asked the question, how often do you go to the gym, really, or what did you have for breakfast (knowing full well I either haven’t had it or haven’t eaten it yet, and it’s way past midday) makes me nervous. I want to lie and feel instantly guilty for it.

Maybe one of the reasons I’m writing this book is for others to think about their own behaviour and lifestyle around food/ exercise. Maybe some will be afraid to read it because of what it will make them see/ realise/ the fears they don’t want to face.

24/08/23

When I had nothing - no knowledge of business or its tendency to disappoint - I had everything.

09/10/23

Life is too short to not do what you want, equally life is too short to fixate entirely on what you want to do. Time passes regardless, getting caught up in one thing makes you miss out on the others.

10/10/23

Recovery from my perspective seems easier when you have someone that loves you, has fallen in love with you. Someone who’s constant, to reassure you on bad body image days - you’re loved regardless. 

I’ve never been in love - I’m too invested in myself and the eating disorder, I don’t think I ever really thought I could be. Often I think that once I find love I won’t be as self conscious/ care about how my body looks anymore.

20/10/23

“Regrets keep us living in the past, where the choices have already been made - or not made.” 

“Brave is doing the hard or scary thing, but so is stupidity. How do you know the difference? If you have something inside you that’s saying ‘is this weird? Is this going to freak everybody out? Is this stupid?’ it probably means it’s going to create some kind of magic.” Maya Angelou

Whereas some worry about future outcomes, like a job interview/ presentation, I worry about not working out tomorrow - I know it’s fine if I don’t but it doesn’t feel fine.

24/10/23

How can I let someone else in when I don’t know how to let you go?

22/11/23

Am I being dragged by NB, or driven by it?

Feels like a job because it is a job, I have to work on myself, consciously change the way I speak to myself. Like feeling ‘wobbly’ and telling myself I’m not, but also if I was that’s fine, think of the lifestyle I want not the look. Feeling like I’ve gained weight - and knowing that I have - and reminding myself that’s fine, that’s freedom, don’t not do the things you want to do (buy the mocha!!). I make notes, I change my iPhone wallpaper to inspirational quotes, I talk to myself as though rehearsing a presentation. It’s probably the most demanding job I have.

13/01/24

You can park things for a certain amount of time but you can’t just push it away thinking it’s not there; it comes back to bite you when least expect it.

I thought I was getting better, I was getting better at pretending.

19/01/24

My body is a constant reminder that I’m still unloved. I can’t give up on it.

22/01/24

Slow Horses - Episode 4, Cicada - Catherine:

(Pointing at vodka) This gave me a confidence I didn't have. It made me feel more like me. I had fun. A lot of fun. I thought I was living my life. When I started pouring vodka on my cornflakes, I knew that the fun had gone. In its place was chaos. I wasn't me anymore. I was stuck in a game where I always lost, and I wasn't getting anywhere. I was convinced I was hiding it ever so well, but it started to affect my work. And rather than sacking me, my boss paid for me to get help. No one had ever shown me such consideration before. A knight in shining armor. If you like.

26/01/24

With loss comes gain it’s just a bit of a sh*t show to get there.

23/02/24

Weighing myself determines my value to others as well as how good I feel; higher number than before and I instantly want to reduce myself.

28/02/24

A lot of memories I remember for how I felt in my body, how I thought I looked in photos, if I was afraid of eating/ drinking beforehand. Never the conversations/ connections/ celebration itself, only see me and my insecurities.

When you spend a lot of your life looking at versions of yourself/ comparing who you are today to a (physically) ‘better’ you - when you make yourself feel less than, it stays with you, hard to reason with; how am I good enough now? I don’t even know if I like how I look in some old photos - but it’s slimmer than I am now so I’ve instantly let myself down for allowing myself to get to this ‘state’.

When I don’t feel my best I want to move, lose, run the ‘excess’ weight off me.

25/03/24

We’ve been here before - yes I can feel my thighs touching (like the majority of human beings) don’t not have a negroni because of it!

12/05/24

You start to think you’re single for a reason. The glowing career to make me more worthy of approval - that didn’t work - must be because of how I look. That’s when the insecurities step up to guide me. All I want is to be loved, to share my life with someone; I want someone to hold me while this storm is in my head.

14/05/24

It’s like I’ve got the confidence and self-belief to go after what I want, but enough self-doubt and self-loathing to make me think I don’t deserve it.

Date unspecified

January 2024 opened with a no from Waitrose and being dropped by my fulfilment centre. Is this it? Perfect opportunity to say enough is enough. NB has given me so much to be thankful for. My career to date, the reason I’ve had any success; overcoming my eating disorder - forcing me to face my demons. I could walk away with pride… 

Feel responsible to share this, to represent business founders in a similar position - narrative from someone who’s nameless.

15/05/24

“The best revenge is living well.” Elizabeth Day

03/06/24

A lot of my mental make up - fear, perfectionism, low self-esteem - comes from NB. Its instability and inability to reward me with financial security; me feeling worthless as a result, unseen and underappreciated, like I’m never enough; and no one to gratify my successes.

09/06/24

Nobody cares about what I eat but everyone has an opinion about how anyone looks. If you have something out of the ordinary human beings can’t help but notice.

Addiction is running away from pain and redefining it. The further you go from your true North, who you really are, the bigger leap you’ve got to make back. Comes a point in life when you have to decide between living like this or letting it go.

Purpose changes when you face something that shows you how fragile time is. Puts everything into perspective; the things I deemed important - none of it meant anything to me anymore.

13/06/24

Being flexible is so hard with an ED, I always have a loose plan in my head to protect me and keep my body safe from change; if it changes it throws my plan into absolute disarray and I can’t handle it. Freaks me out - that’s where my panic comes from. Having to adapt is life, but not mine. Isolated and sheltered myself for a reason, to protect me from chaos.

Diet culture is like a sisterhood. Then you leave and the sisterhood doesn’t welcome you coming out and talking about these sorts of things. Like a sorority I’ve been kicked out of, I lost my sense of belonging.

I don’t understand why I work so hard to be alone - by living with ED I trained myself to fail (to meet someone, to be happy, to live a full life).

20/06/24

I’m thinking from the mind of the consumer, someone like me; I thought logically it made sense. What do consumers want? Not all food products to add sugar. Simple. Which would be backed up by claim had it not discriminated naturally sourced sugars.

21/06/24

I loved the intensity of the lifestyle, almost like because of the loss I had with NB I had to find something else to fill it. Successful at ED but not very happy, and nothing to save me. No partner or marriage or newborn or promotion or any milestones to look forward to - had to be me to pull me back, or no one.

Scary because I could still be living like this - so many people are - and you wouldn’t know.

01/08/24

Will this put people off me?

17/09/24

You are the only one who can give you everything.

To feel good has always been my purpose.

16/10/24

Feelings are not facts; this book uses the word ‘feel’ 221 times. Perhaps worth remembering for next time I ‘feel’ a certain (negative, typically) way.