Diary Entries

January 2018

Why do I feel fat?

What’s making me feel anxious about putting on weight?

I’m slim

I’m fit

I have eggs! Hopefully babies one day

I’m trying a career - if it doesn’t work, other opportunities!

How I look shouldn’t matter

· Own belief/ feeling of size

· Why should I care about opinions when nobody said fat!

Don’t compare - want to look stronger but enjoy lifestyle of moving & eating & drinking => enjoying myself!

If met someone would probably care less - like me for me & so should I!

Stop applying pressure

Get NB mojo back

Stop obsessing over leg dimple/ photos/ weight

Unspecified date

I care more about how I look than feel

Think have orthorexia - don’t like feeling eaten ‘bad’/ then binge of other foods to make most of day… 

Unspecified date

Don’t like feeding cellulite; had since 16 inevitable won’t go!

26th February 2018

Being lazy

Step. It. Up! 

7th March 2018

3 weeks to holiday

Only allowed NB 2 x week

Had Wed so only once weekend

Detox - write down meal plan

No cheese, dairy, carbs min., no fruit

[Grains, protein, veg, avocado]

11th March 2018

PROMISE

Before holiday: go in 3 weeks

Want to feel healthy

I promise

· No sugar }

· No nuts } unless in restaurant

· No NB }

· No honey/ dates

21 days = easy

Think of body

How feel sick if binge

STOP

If need something

Yog, oats… fruit?

Only allowed fruit weekend (unless in restaurant)

Coffee

|||||||| since lent

=> 8 in 33 days, 4.71 weeks, 2 a week!

NOT ANOTHER

Only allowed Saturday market

Gives headache

Don’t feel guilty! Never regret

But choose healthier

|| 2 more since Sunday

=> 10 in 36 days

=> 2 a week still…

30th April 2018

Feel anxious am large

Cellulite

Too much food

Start detox

May no NB

30th April 2018 => MAY

NO NB FOR 1 MONTH

Food Plan

Proper food

1. Brek

Oats + yog

Oats

Eggs + avocado

Veg + avocado

2. Lunch

Veg

Eggs/ protein

Grains/ carbs

Avocado

Hummus?

3. Snacks

Veg

Yog

4. Dinner

Carbs/ grains

Protein

Veg

Quinoa or pasta or rice

Chorizo or feta

Fish

Day 1

Oats (C)

Coconut yoghurt (F)

Coffee, oat milk (treat) (F/S)

Chickpea pasta (C)

½ avocado (F)

Veg (V)

Cheese (F)

Lemon, oil, basil sauce (F)

Unspecified date 2018

Turn sadness into motivation

Want a salary = get one!!!

Need to sell ___ jars a year

3rd May 2018

No alc until Lisbon

Coffee half month only

OR brunch/ markets/ meetings

Makes me feel like cellulite

NONE at brek - go to parent’s have green tea!

7th May 2018

Coffee

Max. 2 a week (markets)

Go back to wanting, not association

Green tea NOT coffee

Lose the cellulite!

Feel good after no coffee

Between 11-1pm hard! Green tea time

No choc except Saturday

W/C 7th May 2018

Coffee: |

✔️No sugar / limited fruit

NB => stop!

Unspecified date

Detox (Nuttox) Plan

· Choc only weekends

· No NB unless 2 tbsp (start June)

· 2 coffees a week

Saturday 12th May 2018

Oats + coconut yog

Chorizo

Cod

Vegetables

1½ date

Chocolate 100g

Sunday 13th May 2018

Oats

Coconut yog

LUNCH OUT

Choc

Vegetables

Unspecified date

How I feel

Fit, strong

Chubby

Big face

62.5kg

Aim 59kg

Try 4 weeks health

Coffee x 2 week max.

4 days => 60kg

4 pounds

· Insecure

· Uncomfortable

· Dimpled

· Large

Unspecified date

Day 1

Veg

Salmon

Kimchi

Oat coffee* treat (wasted)

Day 2

Veg

Toast

Avocado

Halloumi

Haddock (smoked paprika)

Starts Sunday 20th May 2018

10 weeks until wedding

60kg / 59kg

NB twice a month

Coffee at markets/ twice a week max. 

Measurements:

Thighs:

Waist:

Arms:

Smaller portions

Enjoy actual treats

Choc on w/e

Yoghurt

Exercise 4 times a week

MAY => ONWARDS!

[Insert calendar that I wrote out and cross-checked ‘c’ according to what days I had a coffee}

Unspecified date

If I don’t make a change, body/ mind won’t change

W/ 6th June

7 weeks 4 days

Dress alterations Friday 29th June

Choose to eat healthy

Avoid cacao/ choc other than w/e

Don’t exercise 24/7

59kg in 3 weeks (lose 3kg)

Healthy, happy, strong

Don’t need NB to feel satisfied

4 jars a month

Unspecified date

No binge eating - enjoy!

Unspecified date

Hit a low energy cycle

· Goal is still there

· Fight still within me

· Do I want to give up?

Why did I start this in the first place?

5th October 2018

Need to look after myself

Lifestyle self-care

Move daily - because I like to

Eat well & balanced

Listen to body and what I feel like

Nuts are not healthy in my quantities, may as well eat brownie & ice cream

Start fresh Fri 5th

Am happy and never guilt because always enjoy

Time to focus on health

7 days off nuts/ choc - NOT depriving, as still eating out and other treats

Tick off each day

Don’t think about food as part of day - is just fuel and energy source!

Eg. oats and fruit; smoothie; soup; salad; sweet potato; pasta; fish; hummus; kimchi; cheese; veg; rice; eggs; avocado

LOTS of delicious foods I love and will satisfy me in some way. Doesn’t need to be choc or nuts! Relying on a habit and association of feeling good

Changing mindset!!

Love coffee & disciplined to have 1 a day; apply same to nuts. Same concept

Unspecified date

Remember

Nothing I achieve reflects on size/ image - didn’t get Ocado, award, uni, school because of appearance

Understand my body

I am worthy

Friends like me - not size

Unspecified date

Achieve

· Can’t compare if I don’t feel like working hard enough

· Can always do more

· Start mapping out week - day by day

· Structure week

· Get intern for marketing/ sales

· Try to push myself out comfort zone & plot next steps

Unspecified date

POSITIVITY

Nobody actually cares

1. What I eat

2. How I move

3. If I go gym

4. If I binge on nuts

5. What I look like

Turned over a new leaf

Self love =? Taking care of body ie. treating myself but not making myself feel sick; knowing when to stop whilst enjoying. Weekend more flexible, week more disciplined!

Unspecified date

Run up to Christmas

Routine!

Brek/ lunch/ dinner

Choc/ cacao on weekends

Find discipline & healthy feelings/ cravings

· 1 tsp a day max. If I want it

Read this reminder of heart health if I want more!

Already broken 6th November 2018 

Realistic - 30g a day IF want it;

No obligation

Unspecified date

Don’t be afraid of appointments => GOOD to get results. Once a year

I want to know what’s happening inside - time to look after my body. Listen, care and appreciate!

5th May 2019

Don’t let negative demons into head - enjoyed coffee! Enjoyed choc (even if did binge eat too much) and is new day tomorrow! Don’t let negative thoughts ruin nice weekend. I’m healthy, I work out, I enjoy food a lot - and so it’s a blessing I can! Don’t let one thought (or body dysmorphia) affect me.

9th May 2019

Even if didn’t necessarily fancy the desert of choice, it tasted fantastic - and had more of our pure enjoyment. Nothing I eat or drink should make me feel body anxious or values less - I AM STILL BEAUTIFUL and nobody else cares, notices or likes me less. Heavier, curvier or less toned - they like my brain, personality and me as an all rounder.

27th June 2019

Busy day and felt like I wasted my mocha ration, know I make better one. Could’ve opted for normal iced coffee instead - but at the time, I wanted it. Need to shrug off and see bigger picture that can choose differently next time. Blaming café; next time try Department again when alone and can enjoy.