Part 2: Silver Lining

After this fateful evening, almost overnight, I was done; mentally, I felt drained. Running a business suddenly felt hard. The first time I saw through the excitement and thought, f**k, things do not always have a plan. Unlike school or University, or any form of education, any guidance for eventually, hopefully, climbing the career ladder; in business there is no conveyor belt to this great life you feel like you are being prepped for. The instability is unsettling. I was wired to achieve, all of my self-esteem came from being productive; working hard and reaping the rewards - being successful and having the (grades, salary) proof to show for it. Feeling like a failure - like I had been trying and failing - was trying and failing, still - knocked me. Like everything I had been told about hard work paying off was a lie, or I was just not doing it well enough. I felt cheated, like I just could not catch a break; it got to my head. But also how naive and egotistical of me, to think I could fall in love with an idea and turn it into a thriving business just as easily. Only to end up with nothing more than what I started out with, my own singular belief in a product, its ability to change other people’s lives, like it did mine, that is clearly not enough. I felt worthless, lost, and void of purpose - far from where I ‘should’ be at this stage and age. I was embarrassed and insecure about it all.

At vulnerable times like these, in my opinion, social media scarcely helps. An urgency that feels like now or never. The overwhelm is immense; if so-and-so has 50k+ followers, is pulling all-nighters to spend on business development - and appears to be half my age - I must be doing something wrong to be reading in bed at 10pm. For them to then launch sell-out products in shops, create new flavours as a result; hire a team plus office space, and have their own kitchen facility. Seeing these updates is like taking a bullet. Daily prompts and reminders that I am not doing enough to be in the same situation. Seeing food brands who launched at a similar time if not after NB now stocked in Sainsbury’s, Whole Foods Market, Waitrose, all of the above, is especially hard. It takes a lot of mental strength to not wonder, why not me? (On more resentful days - are they not meant to be behind me?). Then I get lost in videos and reels with hundreds of likes showing someone’s ‘super successful day’ packing ‘a new record’ of orders; I am happy for them, truly, but also bitter, jealous, actually. I would rather not see it. Then a new nut butter brand comes onto the scene by following me on Instagram (the audacity); competition keeps me on my toes as much as it is something else to think about, and I worry they will overtake me.

Working alone eventually takes its toll; being in my head enough as it is, with no other voice at home or in the office, it is easy to point the finger and blame the target: I am the common denominator, the problem must be me. In a strange, funny, slightly sinister way, similar to 2012 - my first encounter with anorexia - the familiarity of my eating disorder became my silver lining. The co-founder and support network I needed to pick me up and bury the pain. When I felt bad, it made me feel good. When faced with uncertainty - when I did not know how to fix NB - I internalised my feelings and came back with a solution. I do know how to fix my body. Diet culture has taught me well. I can apply my history of learnings and rely on certain behaviour to make the problem, the truth - the resentment, even, that I felt towards NB, the industry and its challenges - more bearable. Really an eating disorder is a form of torture and yet I believed every word it said. Annoyingly so; rather than learn from my experience, I found a way to let it back in. That is the scary thing about an eating disorder; addiction is devious like that. You can treat it - open the door to recovery but not really leave. Or cure it - take the (long, hard, unfathomable) steps to rewire your brain. I appreciate why people opt for the former; to put it politely, nor do I want to put people off, facing the consequences - challenging my way of living - is probably the worst thing I have ever done. Especially when it involves diet culture, how do you recover from a mindset we are all exposed to on a daily basis? Eat what makes you happy - but not too much, weight loss looks good on you. 

As much as I hate to credit the toxicity of an eating disorder, it did make me feel better. Traits that include food restriction, compensation, starving (“fasting”), body-checking, overexercising, under-eating, (losing my period); ‘so good’ at being disciplined (but to what end?). Self-sabotage became all I knew and wanted to do, an outlet for the shame and self-loathing I felt. Finding so-called quote-unquote faults to criticise gave me something to reason with, it gave me such a purpose; by setting my mind to a ‘healthy’ food and exercise regime I felt excited, and by sticking to the plan - it was like a small sense of achievement in my day. Improving my body is something to be proud of, apparently. I am better for it and more attractive because of it. And what the eating disorder says goes. If nothing else can make me loveable, the eating disorder will.

Not that you would have known. The beauty of Instagram, it “looks like you are doing really well”. (Classic). Of course it did. I was setting my alarm between five and six in the morning to post #PorridgePorn on social media in hope of reaching NB’s target audience and getting the most likes. Pre-automated apps days. Showing up under the guise of Clarendon, I frequently took a leaf out of Ross’ book: I’m fine, I’m fine! Totally fine, really, I’m fine.

From the outside I would have believed me, too - 2018 was probably NB’s most tangibly ‘successful’ year; however untoward I was feeling towards my body, when it came to business development - it was all for NB! Launching in Revital in June, As Nature Intended in September, and, finally, the cherry on top of the cake - drum roll please - was Ocado. The initial meeting took place over the Summer, we signed the contract in June and the deal was sealed to launch in November, just in time for Christmas. (Thanks in large part to the consultant who came with me - their industry knowledge was astonishing; had I the giddy founder turned up to meet the buyer alone, my passion in abundance still I do not think would have secured the listing). Seeing NB on Ocado’s product page is one of the biggest highs I have ever experienced, to date probably the best thing that could have happened to us both. Never have I ever been so impatient, excited and on tenterhooks to share the news with everyone, and place my first order. (Happy to drink to that, I’ll drink the full glass).